beautefantasy

Another lonely night passes by,
Another sun sets without its lover.

If the sun left the moon,
Would the world set fire?
If the moon left the sun,
Would the stars retire?

Another lonely night passes by,
Another sun sets without its lover’s goodbye,
Darkness.

Looking down upon my bare chest,
Wishing I had a set of breasts.
Looking down upon my skin painted with dark hair,
Wishing the hair could have been spared.
Looking down upon my secret parts,
Wishing they matched with what is in my heart.
Looking down upon my hairy and defined legs,
Wishing they were smoother, oh how I beg.
Looking down upon myself in the mirror,
Wishing my feminism was clear.
Looking down upon myself with dread,
Wishing this water would let me tread.
Looking down upon myself from every angle,
Wishing from this fine line I wouldn’t dangle.
Looking down upon this fleshy cage,
Wishing with more war I could wage.
Looking down upon this body that is a trap,
Wishing I could find a new body to unwrap.
Looking down upon this body that ensnares me,
Wishing I could be the woman I so desperately long to be.

The vibrations,
Humming in the back,
Of the throat,
Giving birth to the consonants,
That form on the tongue,
And roll off,
Escaping through full lips,
Creating fortissimo waves,
Of mesmerizing melody,
And pianissimo ripples,
Of beautiful harmony,
That climbs the scales,
And reaches the heart,
Nestles in the crevices,
And erupts,
Vibrating,
Humming,
Its song throughout the muscle,
Giving it a tempo anew,
A new beat,
To tap its foot to,
And curing it,
As the song sings,
“I am not yours.”

“I love animals, too, but I still eat meat!” they say with a laugh that shows their obvious amusement and disgust at my choices, followed by a, “So, why are vegan again?” in a disheartening tone that fills the already tense air up.

I try to calm myself down and tell myself they mean no harm, but it doesn’t always work out so great. I know the majority of them don’t understand, but there’s always those few that know exactly what they’re doing. They are the ones who yell out, “PETA! People Eating Tasty Animals,” even though no vegan really supports such a distasteful, fake organization. It’s always followed by a laugh. Someone always ends up getting hurt. They are the ones who say they know what goes on in slaughter houses yet they’ve never had the stomach to watch an undercover film where they can see the life drain out of a cow’s throat or the pain in the hen’s eyes as its beak is being seared off and as its children are being ground up because they are useless in the industry. They are the ones who say they respect my decision yet they shove their obnoxious meat and dairy onto my plate and try to force it down my throat, all while knowing that it will hurt me. They are the ones that say they care - that say that they truly care for all beings - yet they eat the ones they don’t call friends. They are the ones that claim to be doing nothing wrong but don’t want to hear it at the dinner table. They are the ones that cannot associate another being’s pain with their own; the ones that cannot put themselves in an animal’s paws or hooves or gills or wings for even an instant. They are the ones that cannot accept that all beings are the same - that we all deserve a life void of unnecessary pain.

And yet they are the ones that still call out to those who are just trying to help other beings who are in pain and completely voiceless. They can express their feelings about the meat industry and animal testing industry, and leather, wool, and suede industry, and every other industry that exploits living beings for profit, but if I even dare to disagree with them even slightly, all hell breaks loose. They are the hypocrites who always expect what they don’t give. They are the ones who give vegans a bad name - who give me a bad name, while all I am trying to do is save the life of the innocent who deserve so much more than any of us ever give to them.

So, why am I vegan again? Because someone has to be.

What makes me, me,
Is sometimes hard to see,
Because you have to dig deep into the surface,
To really find the purpose,
Of why my dark blue eyes are sometimes trimmed in light,
And how the fire burning within me makes me fight,
For what is right and stand up for what is wrong,
And how I love to sing songs,
Getting lost in their melodies and in the way,
With my eyes open, how I dream the day away.

Because even though I wear my heart on my sleeve,
It’s hard for me to believe,
Because negative blood runs through my veins,
And I’m not quite sure how to deal with pain,
But my heart still beats full of love,
In a world that is void of,
Such compassion,
Because it’s no longer in fashion.

I speak in a language that few know,
When my emotions overflow,
Escaping my sleeve they go,
Watching as they grow,
Into the words stitched together on the paper,
And lifting the weights resting on my shoulder, combusting into vapor,
That seeps into my skin,
And cleanses the bacteria within.

Because even though I’m an open book,
My chapters are out of order and often mistook,
For being another story altogether,
When I’m light as a feather or under the weather,
And when I bond more with the nonhuman creature,
Or when you don’t quite catch onto my features,
As my face contorts when I look down to the ground,
In fear of putting a single pound on an insect roaming around.

What makes me, me,
Is sometimes hard to see,
Because you have to dig deep into the surface,
To really find the purpose,
And sometimes, you won’t have the right tools,
But if you dig me apart long enough, you’ll find my jewels,
And if you learn my tongue,
You’ll understand my language unsung,
Because what makes me, me,
Is easy to see when you know where to find the key.

Trying to manipulate myself,
Into thinking that I don’t feel you like I used to,
Like I don’t feel the hatred towards you,
Even though I know it’s really the opposite,
But I hate what you did to me,
And how I let you do it,
And how I crawled back each time,
To lay under you as you stepped on me,
I’m not that convincing,
I’m not convincing at all,
So when I say that nothing is there,
It all still is,
Boiling under my skin,
Ready to be popped,
But I push it deeper and deeper,
Hoping that out of sight,
Out of mind will finally work,
But it never does,
And it ruins everything in sight instead,
Because I really do love him,
But I really do still love you, too,
So why do I do this to myself?
Why do I let you do this to me every time?
Why can’t I just say enough is enough,
Because it’s beyond enough,
I had enough years ago,
When you drowned my in my own tears,
And walked away after you spit in my face,
But you took part of my heart,
That I’ll never really get back,
And even though I have him now,
Who is better than you in almost every way,
It’s still not the same,
And it still doesn’t change the fact,
That you’re the disease that I haven’t found a cure for,
And that you’ll be the death of me,
But not the death of this love,
Of his love,
Because I love him now,
And you will never change that,
If only I was convincing,
But I’m not fooling anyone,
Going around in circles,
‘Round and ‘round,
Thinking that with every tear,
Things will be different,
A circle here,
A circle there,
Getting nauseous with the memories of you,
That have been so tampered with,
That I don’t even know if they are real anymore,
Or just a figment of who I wish that you were,
Of who I still wish you are,
But you aren’t,
And he is,
And maybe he’s the cure to your disease.

She was never too happy,
Never buying into the oh-so-sappy,
Love songs that made her heart ache,
Or the few words that could make her heart break,
Because her mind knew how her heart,
Would get too attached at the start,
Of something that was perhaps never meant to be,
But being was all her heart could see,
While her mind tightened its grip,
On the threads to the heart to sink its ship,
But it brought itself down,
Until it came around,
To see that maybe not all love songs would make her heart ache,
And maybe not all words could make her heart break,
But there were still the few,
That were worth going through,
So she put on her face of smiles,
And walked with happiness for a few miles.

They call them beasts,
Without looking into their eyes,
Or feeling what’s in their heart,
As it breaks when we hurt them.

They call them beasts,
Because all they see are the fangs,
And the claw marks from where they were only trying to protect their young,
But wouldn’t we do the same?

They call them beasts,
As they rummage the streets for a bite to eat,
To take back home to their nest,
So they can cradle their dying cub in their paw with one last offering.

They call them beasts,
When they’re taking shelter under a tree,
During the rain storm,
As tears fall down their furry and distressed face.

They call them beasts,
When we are the ones pointing the guns,
And destroying life,
After we torture it into a different face.

They call them beasts,
But they have no idea,
For they are blind of the beasts,
That live within themselves.

And they call them beasts,
As they look in the mirror while brushing their teeth,
Blindfolding their heart and putting their weapons in place,
Failing to see that the only beast is the face smiling back at them in the reflection.

Never settle. Never go back to an old love just because it feels comfortable. Never go back to them just because you feel like you can’t move on.

You can, and you will. Never settle.

One day, you will meet someone who is everything you were looking for, who feels comfortable even though they’re completely exciting, and they will take the pain away. They’ll hold you in their arms and they’ll kiss the pain out of your heart and turn it into happiness. They’ll make you want to cry because you’re so happy that you’ve moved on. They’ll make you laugh like there’s no tomorrow. They’ll treat you like you deserve to be treated; they’d never dare hurt you because they’d hurt if you hurt.

They’re the person everyone tells you about after break ups and during low moments. They’re the person who will make you second guess every person you’ve ever said “I love you” to because this love feels more natural and beautiful. And infinite. You’ll actually trust them and they’ll trust you. With them, you will be accepted for exactly who and what you are, even though they’ll make you better just because you’re with them. You’ll be invincible. And vulnerable. And although you’ll be lovers, you’ll be friends, too. You’ll laugh the night away with lame jokes and then make love in the moonlight.

If your heart had a set of lips, they would surely be curved upward. So never settle because they are out there and they’re waiting, and they’ll be the best damn thing to ever happen to you.